The Crazy List...

  Blogging used to come pretty easy to me…I am not quite sure what happened , but I’ve lost my touch.  This is most likely due to the fact that i've gone insane...If you were to peer into our windows you would see a house filled with debris and a woman with untamed curly hair sitting in the floor wearing a dirty bathrobe talking gibberish and making odd faces…It is like I’ve turned into the neighborhood cat lady, but sadly I have no cats. Instead, I have children (and ironically I’m considering litter box training the oldest).

  Our days are hard to explain, it’s not easy to convincing my husband I’ve had a hell of a day when I’m still wearing pajamas and the TV’s on Lifetime in the next room. The weeks go by like a slow fog, everyday is pretty much the same but totally different (see what I mean about the brain thing). We wake up every morning and everything starts over; breakfast, clean, play, clean, lunch, laundry, nap, clean, play, clean, dinner, clean, bath, cartoons, sleep…throw in there breast feedings, bottle making, diaper changes, pee pee cleanup, book reading, baby food, and singing happy birthday eight times in a row while carrying a five month old on your hip…It all makes for a pretty exhausting day. So since I’m unable to recollect exactly what has happened the past five months, I thought I would do things a little differently in terms of blogging; it’s called listing.

I call this one my Crazy List:
1. Left the house without a diaper bag, cell phone and bottle…noticed at Dairy Queen and had to go back home. Never told Tad in fear of what he would say about stopping at Dairy Queen.
2. Found coleslaw in my hair and actually ate it…Tad pointed this out to me after I swallowed it.
3. Spelled out the word car to my father while having a conversation… for no apparent reason.
4. Called Tad’s scrape on his hand a “scabby scab”
5. Let Libby hand me poop while in the bathtub.
6. Winked at Mary-Wilkes’ surgeon, then quickly rubbed my eye after I realized…now he thinks I have turrets..
7. Asked the ENT receptionist to tell me the difference between seeing a real doctor or a fake doctor …I actually said “fake doctor” .
8. Let Libby watch “The Shinning” with me from start to finish…that was just bad parenting there…
9. Fed Libby jelly on a spoon and American cheese one day for lunch because that was what she asked for.
10. Cried at Tad for not wanting talk at length about the movie “Predator”…Then said that this marriage wasn’t going to work if we didn’t have more intimate conversations…


Potty Mouth
Libby handed me a pretzel and I ate it right out of her hand…apparently she had been picking her behind right before this had happened.
Tad - (laughing hysterically) You know she was just picking her hinny right? I don’t know whether to call you butt mouth or ass face!
Me - (Quickly kissed him right on the mouth) Shit lips will do!

What would we do without DQ?

Parenting Tip #26
Never, under any circumstance, decided to take an hour and a half car trip after your children wake up from their naps.


"Why didn't you take the trip during their nap time so they would sleep the whole way" someone like my idiot husband might ask...Because I was too damn busy cutting coupons and doing what I wanted to do for a change, that's why. Boy does selfishness come with great consequence. 

After only twenty minutes into the car ride Mary-Wilkes started crying.  But not just a little whimpering, I'm talking full fledged blood curdling, stomach turning screams.  The kind that made me pull over at Sack-o-Suds Country Store on hwy16 to give her a bottle and then screech tires to get the hell out of there.  If you have ever seen Sack-o-Suds you would know what I'm talking about; It is creepy, run down, and looks like it's run by the cast of Deliverance.  (My aunt claims they have good barbecue though.)

Ten minutes after that I look in the rear view mirror to see that Libby Houdini, has taken both of her arms out of her car seat straps and is attempting to unbuckle the lap harness.  Without really thinking I just start yelling.  "Put your arms back in the straps, now...right now...Libby I said NOW!"  Houdini turns back into Libby and starts crying, the crying quickly turns into screaming which upsets Mary-Wilkes and makes her lose her propped up bottle and start screaming too.  Tears form in my eyes.  We are still forty minutes away from home and they are not letting up at all.  The mistiness in my eyes turns into rolling drops going down my face.  As I pick up my phone to call Tad (and tell him how this is all his fault) the clouds part and heaven shines down a beam of glittering light onto a glossy white sign that reads "Dairy Queen".  I look back at Libby with tear stained cheeks and say "You want some ice cream!?" Alas, she stops screaming and looks at me with smiling eyes and says "cweam!"  One screaming baby down, one more to go.

As I pull up to the drive thru I order :
Me -Yes, I would like one small dipped cone and one small regular cone.
Drive Thru Man - any thing else?
Me - Yes, please make the regular cone REALLY small.  Like only one bump high.  It's for a two year old.
Drive Thru Man - okay, one really small dipped cone.
Me - No, a regular small dipped cone and a really small regular cone.
Drive Thru Man - Please drive around to the window

Needless to say we both got small cones, only one bump high...I guess that is what I get for being a pain in the ass and for cutting my coupons all morning.

Before we leave in pull into the parking lot and get out of the car (while balancing a cone in one hand) to buckle Libby back up correctly, sooth Mary-Wilkes, then lose my one and only ice cream bump to the asphalt; this is because I chose to eat off all the chocolate. And before you say anything, where the heck was I supposed to set the cone down?  I look at the ground, and without making a sound get back into the car and head for home. 

Libby only dropped ice cream in her lap once on the way home, she also ate half of the paper around the cone before I noticed and managed to passed out just as we pulled onto our street.  I have to say, as I watched her enjoy having her first very own cone I realized that this was going to be a moment I wouldn't forget.  I know i'll never forget how sweet her face looked when I handed her the whole thing, or how her eyes lit up as she took bite after bite.  Her first taste of independence was every bit as sweet as her treat.  To her it was nothing more then ice cream, but to me it was so much more; it was Libby growing up...and no longer needing me to hold the cone.

    

And then there were four...

On May 20th our family grew by 21 inches 8 pounds and 7 ounces. I remember being greeted by this bloody screaming baby staring at me over the blue curtain and all I could think is "she's beautiful".  Four weeks later I look at her and our family, boy have things changed!  Of course Mary-Wilkes is still beautiful; I on the other hand have lost that pregnancy glow (which has been replaced by dark circles and a sweaty forehead) and gained a stomach that looks like a deflated air bag with a belly button as big as a doughnut hole.  My suggestion to all moms after they have a baby, get a sling or a baby back pack - it hides all of that and the baby normally takes away all the attention from how you look anyway. 
I think Tad still lives here, I'm pretty sure I heard him snoring last night lucky s.o.b.  Normally when he gets home he's on Libby duty so I can brush my teeth, go to the bathroom, and on a good day get in a quick shower.  Though on some days we rarely cross paths until we climb into bed (all four of us), I feel like we're more in love then ever.  The days we had filled with dinner dates and conversations about the future are now filled with grilled cheese sandwiches and discussions about which daughter has pooped the most that day; Mary-Wilkes is winning by the way.  It's funny how fulfilling melted cheese can be when you are sharing it with your best friend while watching Yo Gabba Gabba for the third time that day. 
But all joking aside we are loving every minute of our growing family.  Some days we say what a breeze two kids are, and then come 1:30 am I'm crying to Tad screaming that I can't wait until they turn ten and twelve.  I haven't slept 3 hours straight in over five weeks; everyone keeps waiting for me to crack.  I myself keep waiting to have a nervous breakdown (which I'm sure will be at Publix seeing that I always have such great luck there).  I think I haven't because once you get past the sleep deprivation, frazzled nerves, and the body odor, I'm actually very content and happy with my life.  I have two beautiful girls (one who is just like me and the other who is just like Tad) and a wonderful husband who does more for us then I like to take the time and realize.  From here on out there is no slowing down, just catching up.    

PS- to all my blog readers I have about three other posts saved and almost ready to publish.  It only took me four days to write this one with Libby crawling all over the kitchen table and Mary-Wilkes attached to my...boob. (there i said it)
PPS- i'm having problems uploading pictures...bummer

Publix Problems

"I'm going to the grocery store after I pick up Libby from school."
I knew the moment the words left my mouth I was making a mistake...still I proceeded with my plans.


It was already 5:30, so I knew there was no way that I would be able to go before her school closed. I get to the school and am greeted by a smelly, crazy haired, spaghetti stained toddler who started whining the moment she saw me (apparently she was not ready to go home). As soon as we get to the door to leave she says "juice?" shit, i forgot the juice. I open the door, she runs out, I chase her down and grab her hand, she cries and tells me "no no". I go to put her in the car, and she cries, I give her a book and she asks for fish (fisss) and her baby. I don't have any fisss, but I hand her the baby and close the car door....she whines until i get around to the driver's seat and start the car. I roll my eyes the whole way to Publix knowing I’m in for a real treat.
In the Publix parking lot she decides she wants to walk herself, so it takes us five minutes to get to the door. She doesn't want to sit in the buggy, she wants to push it. I throw her screaming patootie in buggy and we proceed shopping. Everything we pass she wants it. I give it to her and she wants to hold it, then have it opened, and then eat it. No, you can't drink this until we get home, you can't open those strawberries, you can't eat the banana until we get to the car, quit biting the loaf of bread, quit poking the hamburger meat, stop throwing my keys out of the cart, and i thought i told you to leave the bread alone. Somewhere in between all of my "no's" someone gives her a pink balloon...asshole thank you so much. Get the balloon out of my face, no you can't un-tie the balloon, DON'T BITE THE BALLOON!
The rest of the trip went like this until we made it to the checkout line. As I’m unloading all the food she demands to get down and screams at me that she wants a "nana". I throw the bananas at the clerk and say ring these up (oh God, I’m such a bitch) then I take one and peel it and hand it to Libby. She takes a bite then starts to cry and hold out her other hand...she wants to hold the peel too. I give her the whole thing while she bounces around like a sweet little angel smiling at everyone she sees. Meanwhile I have a forehead full of sweat, a bad attitude, and a cart full of grocery bags that I refuse to let the nice man help me take out to my car. To make it worse, Libby refused to get back in the cart so it took us five minutes to get back to the car with one hand holding hers and the other pushing the cart.

I remember Tad asking me what's for dinner and I told him kiss my ass dinner is on your own; I had cheerios...

Beverage Blunders

If Libby had a super power, it would be creating messes in a way you never knew was possible. This week has been the week of “Liquid Mishaps”.

Sunday:
Libby had been gone all weekend with Tad’s parents in Augusta. They brought her back that night and while we were getting things ready for bed, Tad was putting some things in the garage and I was eating an orange in the kitchen cleaning the living room. I walked into the bedroom and immediately noticed that my half cup of day old coffee was spilled all over my night stand. (Since Libby had been gone all weekend I had already gotten used to leaving things out that she would normally get into.) I got a rag and started cleaning up the mess when Tad said “What is this?” pointing to the wall ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM. We both go up to it; Tad smells it and says “Smells like vanilla?” I smell it and say “Dammit”. It was coffee, a four foot spray of coffee all over the wall. I stood their staring at it confused; Tad starting asking where the coffee came from and my face went white. Suddenly the conversation shifted from the coffee on the wall to “If you just cleaned up after yourself…” I looked at Libby and suddenly wished that she could talk and that she would say “Daddy, I’m sorry. It was my fault, don’t blame Mommy”. But instead she gave me a goofy little smile and looked back at Tad; as if she was enjoying this little hand slap I was receiving. I ran to the kitchen and got a sponge and starting cleaning off the wall while Tad got a towel and started cleaning the coffee sprinkled carpet. It was so uncomfortably quiet; all you could hear was the scrubbing. And then...you heard tears, the tears of a pregnant woman sitting in the floor with a sponge in her hand looking helplessly at her bedroom wall as she noticed that she has in fact “sponged” away a small portion of actual paint. A small white circle starred me in the eye as light brown stains danced around it.
The wall is in fact stained; Tad has mentioned this every time he walks past it.

Monday:
I cleaned the house from top to bottom Monday, sweeping and mopping the floors, dusting corners, washing windows (okay, maybe not), scrubbing sinks, the works. By seven that night I was TIRED! And I was really tired of drinking Libby’s imaginary tea (that she was spilling everywhere), playing with Dora’s Castle Hacienda, reading “Good night Gorilla” (that has two pages missing), and listening to “Hip Hop Snowman”. The only upside of being pregnant is “frequent trips to the bathroom”. I had been holding it now for thirty minutes (which is like 5 hours in pregnant woman time) and had finally gotten Libby content enough to slip away for two minutes of uninterrupted pee me time. No sooner than I had sat down, Libby pushed the door open smiling at me with a can of unopened Pepsi in one hand. As I reached out to grab it (still sitting on the commode) she dropped it. The can fell to the floor and immediately started spewing everywhere. I stopped midstream to pick the swirling can off the freshly mopped floor and put it in the sink, coke ricocheted off the porcelain in the air getting coke on the mirror and back on the floor so instinctively I take it out of the sink and lower it into the toilet. I start screaming for Tad, where in the hell is he? He runs to the bathroom to find Libby sitting playing in Pepsi and me pants down with my hand in the toilet. His response “What are you doing?”
It is Wednesday and my socks are still sticking to the linoleum.
*Pictures will follow*

Little Libby, Not So Little...

Yesterday:

Tad: So you left the garage door open today…wide open
Me: Wide open, as opposed to half open? Really? I don’t think so.
Tad: Yes, wide open…
Me: (again with the wide open?) Oh, well I’m sorry.
Tad: Well you’re lucky the TV was still there.
Me: ::eye roll:: Yes, that’s a blessing.
Three minutes later
Tad: And when I got a sippy cup out of the cupboard, it smelled weird.
Me: Well maybe you should wash her cups from now on ass…Really? Like how?
Tad: Like you didn’t dry it out before you put it away.
Me: Oh…well I’m sorry
I look in the back seat at Libby and say – “Libby, I’m sorry you have such a shitty bad mom”
Tad: Why would you say that?
I look back at Libby again and say – “At least you have a perfect dad to balance it all out”
::Libby points at Tad claps her hands and says "Daddy!".  I turn back around and pout.  Tad smiles and kisses my cheek::


Little Libby, not so Little

  The other morning I woke up and this little girl was sleeping in my bed. Her head was on the pillow and the covers were over her lap with her little hands resting on top. My little baby was gone. She no longer slept all curled up with her butt in the air and her thumb in her mouth. It felt like I had not looked at her in months, when did she get so big? I watched her that whole morning. When she finally woke up, she looked at me and smiled, put her hand on my face and said "Juice". I laughed and we got up, she got off the bed all by herself and walked into the kitchen and stood by the refrigerator. I poured her some juice and made her some waffles and she went and sat at her little table and ate quietly, smiling the whole time.
  I took a picture of her that morning; it seemed like a good day to capture her Libbyness. While going through all my pictures, I found one of her from a year ago. A year ago she was just a little baby who couldn't sit up very well, had to be hand fed, and when she wanted juice she just screamed instead. But a year ago she was also my little baby who smiled just for me, slept on my chest, and loved to be carried on my hip.

  I love my new Little Libby, she's smart, a fantastic dancer, super funny and knows how to have fun for an hour with just a dishcloth and an old purse. She says Momma, Daddy, No, Pup Pup, Kitty Kitty (sounds more like keey keey), More, No, Juice, No, Stop, Cookie and did I say No? She also can tell you where Mommy's Baby is and will occasionally point at your chest and say booby then laugh and run off. She is our joy, our hearts, and our source of humor...

Libbyisms
 
Libby stayed with her Noona and Papa this weekend, here is what my MIL called to tell us.
Noona:  I was trying to teach Libby her vowels and she was doing so well.  I said "A" and she said "aaayyy".  I said "E" and she said "eeeeeyy".  Then I said "I" and she looked at me the shut both her eyes and pointed to them with her fingers and smiled. 
Our child is a genius...

Grocery Quandaries

I went to Publix on Monday...here is what my reciept reads:
-Weight Watchers Ice Cream Bars
-Weight Watchers Candy Ice Cream Bars
-Uncrustables PB&J
-Pills Biscuits
-Pills Grand Cinnamon Rolls
-Brown & Serve Turkey Patties
-Soft Pretzels
-Frozen Waffles
-Bagel Bites
-Watermelon Slice
-S/F Jello Pudding Chocolate
-S/F Jello Pudding Vanilla
-Sourdough Bread
-Hummus
-Lunchable
-Sliced Mushrooms
-Matchstick Carrots
-Goldfish
-Pasta
-Cream Cheese
-Strawberry Cream Cheese
-Iced Tea
-Lance Crackers
-Canned Fruit
Here is how the conversation with Tad went when he looked in the fridge that night.
Tad:  Did you get lunch meat?
Me: Crap...I forgot that and all the meat.
Tad looks in the fridge
Tad:  ICE CREAM?  You can't have that stuff!  You're killing our baby...(referring to the diabetes, this coming from a man who told me that when i didn't take my prenatal vitamin that I was essentially starving our baby, he doesn't really get the whole pregnancy thing)
Me: It's Weight Watchers, it's okay...mind your own damn buisness
Tad:  (voice gets louder with every word) Bagel Bites...waffles...SOFT PRETZELS!  What are these? (pointing to the uncrustables) You're telling me you can't make a PB&J???
Me: I bought you those crackers you like...
Tad:  How much did you spend at Publix?
Me: I don't know (shoulder shrug)...I bought some fruit.
Tad: How much?
Me: I don't know...like a hundred...(looking at the receipt) I saved $11.40
Tad:  WHAT?  And you didn't even get meat!! What the hell? Why didn't you make a list? All you bought was junk, you are eating like a fourth grader!
Me: You look like a fourth grader...

So I have a lot of different cravings, and maybe I forgot the meat (and the bagles to go with all the cream cheese i bought)...And maybe I hate cooking and want a soft pretzel everynow and then.  And maybe I think Bagel Bites are a suitable replacement for dinner and that Sourdough toast for breakfast isn't that bad...Bottom line is I bought Tad his favorite crackers and he didn't even say thank you...Jerk

Tad told me that he would do the rest of the grocery shopping until after the baby.  That's proably a good idea...I still haven't even opened the Soft Pretzels yet...

A New Year, A New Opportunity

2009 has come and gone. It was overflowing with great memories, mostly of Libby. She started off the year only being able to sit up, & now she is running around shouting the word “No” at me whenever she can. (Though it mostly sounds like “doe” instead of “no”, unluckily I know what she truly means).

Our biggest event of the year had to be Libby’s first birthday. It was a grand occasion with over 40 guests. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking when I decided to have that big of a party. I must have been drunk…drunk with love for my little princess. This party took weeks of preparation & money that could have been spent on vacations, tummy tucks, bills, college tuition funds. Instead, I knew it was my duty to throw her the best party that she would never remember. There were flowers, streamers, balloons (there is a story for those dang things), appetizers, signs (we’ll get to that one), Dairy Queen catered ice cream, guest books, center pieces, presents, full dinner, a mini bar, & a small birthday cake that NEVER got eaten (yes, there is a story for that as well). Let the stories begin:

To start off with, I have the BEST mother-in-law one could ever ask for. She is always willing to help me with anything I ever ask; she is worth her weight in gold for sure. Anyways, I had told her that I wanted to have balloons for Libby’s party; she went out and bought me TWO helium tanks, enough for about 75 balloons. (Which sadly I had bought about 150 balloons). When I saw how many I could make as opposed to how many I had in my head I was going to have, a frown came across my face. (You would have thought I was the one year old.) Could I have seemed any less grateful to my MIL?? The worst part of it was that I knew I was overreacting & was still upset. She offered to go to Publix to get the rest made & I kept assuring her it was okay & that I was fine. My cousin Kelli, her friend Jessi, & my sister Mary Susan were in charge of blowing up the balloons and tying the curly ribbon to the ends. They were at balloon count 70 before I realized that they hadn’t used the second shade of purple (Hydrangea) that I had bought. Tears streamed from my eyes as I tried to explain that Hydrangea tied all the colors in together. My family looked at me like I was nuts, my sister started crying & said “I never do anything right” (you can see that dramatics run in my family) & Jessi started laughing. They blew up about 3 more Hydrangeas before the tanks ran out. Needless to say I sniffled quietly as I arranged the balloons throughout the house and outside. No one talked to me for awhile after that.

The next story is about the giant sign I had bought that said “Happy First Birthday Libby”. It had four posts & was supposed to stick in the ground. I had it in the perfect spot in our front yard welcoming people to our front door. I spent about 15 minutes arguing with Tad on sticking it in the grass (Tad and his damn grass) then another 20 minutes sweating in the hot August sun trying to stick it through layers of Georgia red clay by myself. When my Aunt arrived to help me set up, I asked her how she liked the sign & she replied with “What sign?” I ran out the front door to see that the sign was missing. Panicked I walked around the house only to see it thrown thoughtlessly in the garage and ripped in two different places; again with the streaming tears. I screamed Tad’s name, knowing he was the vicious enemy who sabotaged my work. When he shot around the corner I started in, asking why he would do this to me. He tried to explain the wind had blown it away and he actually chased it down our street kicking it along trying to save it. My brother in-law came around the corner to see what all the commotion was about, & then he too told the story of the wind & chase. “Liars” was all I could think in my head, I knew he hated that sign all along. (Turns out the sign did blow away; someone later told me they saw Tad chasing it down the street. I have yet to apologize to either of them.)

The day was filled with numerous other events that played out about the same as these two. The temperature hit around 90 that day causing the Dairy Queen ice cream half melted in my car during its transport, the ice in the beer/drink tubs to melt at an outrageous pace & the balloons to get foggy. Then the Baby Cake fell icing side down, the burgers weren’t cooking fast enough for our guest, & the great-grandmothers were getting hot & kept asking me to fix them a plate/drink/get their purse/give them tissues/turn on the fans/I want a real glass/hand me my cane/you need some lipstick on/how do you walk in those shoes. But to top it all off, at the end of the night I realized we had NEVER sung Happy Birthday to Libby! I had forgotten all about it. Needless to say I felt like I had ruined the whole party; I was a failure at motherhood. I have chalked all this up to being Tad’s fault somehow. Where was he during all of these incidents anyways? I’m sure he’ll have something to say in response.

Over all the party was a sucess in the fact that our guest had a good time and Libby went to sleep smiling.

Happy New Year…may it be filled with endless occasions (like this one) that help you look back at yourself & realize just how lucky you are to be a mother, father, wife, husband, daughter, or son and to have moments like these to look back on and smile.

Hello, my name is...

To me the first post is always the hardest to write. What do you say, "hello, my name is Kris and this is my blog"? Lame...Do you just start off with a random story and tie it in? (Unfortunately I don't consider myself witty enough to be able to do so) Or do you just make a list of bullet points of information you think that readers should know?
- My name is Kris.
- I'm married
- Obviously I’m not a good blogger

I think I’ll go with the first choice and do the lame introduction.

We are the Hopkins Family! Currently we are a family of three with one on the way. First member of the family is Tad, the most wonderful (at times) husband you could ask for. Second member; myself (Kris). I play the role of terrible loving housewife and first time supermom. Third member, Libby Camille; the princess. At this time she is the only beauty queen in our little family, however come May 21st we will be able to meet our fourth member; Mary Wilkes. I’m anxious to see the two meet for the first time.

Tad and I have been blissfully married since March of 2008. We’ve shared numerous high and low points (happily more high then low). Our highest point was the birth of our Libby; she has taught us so much as a couple. Our most recent low point, putting Christmas lights on the Christmas tree; that has convinced us to either buy a pre-lit tree or hire someone to put the lights on it when neither of us are around to criticize watch. Our blog will capture a lot of these moments; hopefully we will all be able to learn something from them. Join us in our times of happiness, laughter, stress, ridicule, and amazement. They are sure to put a smile on your face (especially when you realize how better alike your family is).