Please pass the pie...

Out of all my "hobbies", the one hated most by Tad is fad dieting.  When I diet, the whole house diets...but it's never just as simple as eating healthier, it's always something much crazier, for example:
1. The 17 day Chicken & Yogurt Diet
2. The Leek & Onion Soup Diet
3. The High Protien Diet aka The Bacon, Chicken, & Egg Only Diet
4. The No Flour No Sugar Diet
or the infamous -
5. The Raw Diet
As with all of them I never lost much weight.  Not because they didn't work but because I have a serious issue called "ZERO WILLPOWER".  I am a slave to cake as much as I am to love...it is my enemy and my best friend - all rolled into one delicous pan and topped with a light and airy buttercream...aahhh!

Back to my dieting - This week I started something I knew I could commit to; A Ten Day Shakeology Challenge.  After all 10 days is just 10 days...hmph, well today is Day 3 and i'm ready to scream.  I want cake, I want pie, I want anything solid that doesn't sip through a straw!!!  The shakes are amazing, they are chocolatey, and they do fill me up...but I just need some sustinance in the form of a pastry! 

Our fridge is filled with fruits and veggies, skinless chicken breast, and whole grain oats...Tad is starving and I swear my stomach has eaten itself, now if it would just eat my ass too...As we all know, dieting it is always accompanied by crazy, violent, irrational mood swings (what's new right?)...maybe it's the lack of fats and goody-oody carbs, or maybe it's our idiot husbands.  After only Day 2 of my challenge I find out that Tad has hoarded away a rather large box of Nabisco Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookies in his truck - WHAT A FREAKIN' JERK!  It took practically all evening of the silent treatment for him to figure out I was mad at him...Well, it has been one day and all I can think about are those cookies.  I'm so ready for dessert again...but I guess if I had the choice between a slice of pie or losing 10 pounds I would choose the pie weightloss. 

Only seven more days to go, we will see if Tad survives or if I kill him...at this point i'm willing to watch him ride off into the sunset with some skinny girl...just as long as he leaves behind the cookies.

For your viewing pleasure...

I'm making these next month...

Counts as a serving of fruit right?

Picture (Im)Perfect

This was the weekend that I said "No More" to our decoration procrastination...

 

  Last year, before MW was born, I bought two wooden shelves to put up into the girls room. These wooden shelves have been the BIGGEST source of conflict. If I had only known how much of a headache these shelves were going to be I would have NEVER NEVER NEVER brought them home. After three months of nagging asking Tad, they finally got painted five months later...When I 'politely' pointed out they were obviously the wrong color they were repainted two months after that. Four months later (Sunday) they were found in the garage collecting cobwebs. My anger reignited and I decided I today would be the day they would get put up.

  I started devising a plan that would ensure this would happen...while my thoughts were stirring, I decided I also wanted this closet full of frames I had hung as well. As I sat with three shelves (an additional one I bought at IKEA) and 8 picture frames in front of me I conspired a scheme came up with a plan. I went into the garage and got a hammer, a tape measure, some nails and grabbed a shelf. I walked into the living room and announced that I was going to do some decorating today. Tad took one look at the hammer and quickly said "Oh, here let me help you". Don't be deceived by his helpful comments. He only offered to help because whenever I get out a hammer, Tad has to get out the putty to fill in the numerous holes I put in the wall. I handed him over all the equipment and he got to work while I supervised and interjected all my thoughts on placements, furniture rearrangements, and perhaps redecorating the whole house. Tad rolled his eyes and hammered away.

  Three shelves, and eleven pictures later(yes, 8 turned to 11 when I decided to rearrange where I had previously hung other pictures) we were in our bedroom with the last three pictures (now we are at 14). I wanted them hung above the bed, I quickly showed him which order to hang them and I left the room. When I came back the look on my face showed pure disappointment. Tad gave me one look and said "What now?" With one rather large sigh, I explained that the pictures were not spaced out correctly...his response - "It will grow on you". As I went to move the picture I found a large smudge on the wall where Tad had scratched the frame. There was no fixing this error until we repainted the whole room...I sat and sulked...as usual. 

  It is crazy to me how crazy I can get when one thing doesn't go my way; I chalk it up to being a woman. My mom would chalk it up to being a Milam, being anal retentive seems to be genetic trait.  I like things done a certain way and when the slightest thing is off, the whole day is a dissapointment. But it doesn't end at just ruining my day, it calls out to me - mocking me every time I cross it's path...putting me in a horrible mood all over again.

  

How does this not look ridiculous?



Men are from Mars, Women are from Earth...

Tad and I have been so busy lately we've hardly had time to be comical.  But tonight we had a conversation that is worth sharing...

Tad:  Erectile Disfunction is probably spouse induced
Kris:  Are you saying I gave you ED?
Tad:  What are you talking about?
Kris:  WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?
Tad:  I'm lost, why are you yelling?
Kris:  So are you not attracted to me anymore?
Tad:  You are taking what I said to a whole other level.  I didn't say YOU gave me ED I said it's probably spouse induced because all you women are crazy...You take everything I say and put some sort of crazy woman twist on it.
five minutes later...yelled from the kitchen
Tad: And I DO NOT have ED!

This just goes to show you that guys truly mean only what they say.  They do not have any secret underlying meaning to the words that spill from their mouths...I'm convinced they are just bored and enjoying listening to the sound of their own voice...

*Disclaimer - Tad is NOT impotent...and he's probably going to kill me for blogging about this...so let's just not mention it*

Kiss the Cook's Ass

It still tasted good...

Since the past couple of days have been so rainy and cold I thought I would make a Hopkins' favorite - Vegetable Soup and Cornbread.  Everything started out fine...I unload the groceries, put food away, and started browning the beef, got out the bowls, started the cornbread, did everything...all while Tad looked out the window aimlessly at his putting green, muttering about it being to wet outside to go mow.  I rolled my eyes and continued on.  I guess when he realized there was no way for him to be able to do his "Man's Work" outside, he thought he would start giving orders in the My kitchen.  The conversation went a little like this:

Tad -  Are you browning the meat in the big pot? (while clearly looking at me browning it in a different pot)
Me - Yes.
Tad - No you aren't, that isn't the big pot.
Me - No shit duh...then why are you asking?
Tad - You should have just browned it in the big pot.  That way you mess up less dishes.
Me - You don't even do the dishes!!! (voice is begining to shrill at this point) Why do you care?  Go away Please leave me alone
Tad - SSSSEEEEENNNNSSSSSIIIIIITTTTIIIIIIVVVVVEEEEEE [the word sensitive drug out to into a five second phrase]
45 seconds later...
Tad - You are burning the meat...are you paying attention?

Me - It's not burnt! (it's clearly burnt...) 



Yummy Yummy!

Tad - ::continuous blabbering:: BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH

I pretty much stopped paying attention after this...All that I know is that when he left the room I went and hid all the Whoopie Pies I made today in the freezer.  When you insult me in the kitchen one thing is for sure...you ain't getting no whoopie tonight!

Charlie Wars...

For all of you who missed mine and Mary Susan's famous Charlie Sheen Facebook War the other night, here it is...

Mary-Susan Milam:  If Charlie Sheen was a color , He'd be Charlie Green...

Kris Hopkins: If Charlie Sheen were a cologne he would smell like gin and prostitute


Mary-Susan Milam: If Charlie Sheen was still in high school, he would be Charlie Teen.


Kris Hopkins: If he were a soup he would be Charlie Bean
 
Mary-Susan Milam:  If Charlie Sheen were a detergent, he would be Charlie Clean


Lindsey Monie If he were an organ, he'd be Charlie Spleen.



Mary-Susan Milam: If he was in Inception, he would be Charlie Dream
OH!

Kris Hopkins If he was in Twilight he'd be Charlie Team!! BEAT THAT

Mary-Susan Milam if Charlie Sheen was a furniture polish, he'd be Charlie Sheen!
SNAP
Lindsey Monie If he were a body of water, he'd be Charlie Stream.

Kris Hopkins:  If he was a robot he'd be a Charlie-chine...(pronounced like machine)



Mary-Susan Milam: If Charlie Sheen was in the armed forces, he'd be Charlie Marine.


Lindsey Monie: If he protected you from the sun, he'd be Charlie Screen.


Mary-Susan Milam: If Charlie Sheen was a peanut he would be Charlie Brown

Kris Hopkins If he was a protien powder he'd be Charlie Lean



Mary-Susan Milam If he was overly intelligent, he'd be charlie keen

Kris Hopkins: If he were gay he'd be Charlie Queen


Mary-Susan Milam:  If Charlie Sheen held your clothes together, he'd be Charlie Seem.

Kris Hopkins:  If Charlie Sheen held my clothes together we'd be in trouble.  Last one -  IF Charlie Sheen were a lubricant he'd be Charlie Cream....you will never beat that one!!!! .

I thought all of this was hilarious at the time...not sure if it was the bottle glass of wine at dinner or the fact that this was my only interaction with humans in the past week.  Needless to say, when I read these out loud to Tad the next day he didn't laugh...

Good news is I received 19 "likes" from numerous 16 year olds as well as three new friend request that night...at least someone thinks I'm funny...maybe I'm not as old as I think!

You Know You're Old When...

We recently purchased our first ''new'' family car this week.  While car buying has been one of the ultimate tests for our marriage and my nerves, I would say we passed with flying colors and a pretty fly ride.  I'm in love with it; It has everything I always wanted in a car but of course never got to have in my little Saturn.  The first thing I said when I got in it was that I finally felt like a 'cool mom'.  Something about it just makes me feel all giddy and young inside.

I decided to take a trip to Griffin to get away from the house for a few days (and mostly to test out The Escape).  I packed the bags neatly in trunk, put on my sun glasses, and posted on facebook I was on my way!  The first thirty minutes flew by...I had the sunroof open, the music on my ipod blaring, and cruise control set while I was sipping on lemonade and soaking in the coolness of my new ride.  Apparently God saw that I was beginning to feel a little too awesome and quickly reminded me I had two kids in the back seat (one of which needed to pee).  As well as my scalp was getting burned, my ipod was playing songs from Glee, and my lemonade was coming from Libby's sippy cup that I had taken the lid off of.  When I pulled over on the side of the rode to let Libby pee I realized that no new car could make me feel cool again as long as there was a two year old using it as leverage to use the restroom... 
 
In one last final attempt to regain some of my youth I decided to go out with some of my best friends...sadly the only thing I gained was the understanding that I was no longer the free spirit I used to be...new car or not.  So in Kris fashion I comprised yet another list...   
I call this one the "You Know You're Old When" List.

1.  You go "out" to JHenry's
2.  You arrive on time and get annoyed that others are late.
3.  You order red wine to drink...because you actually drink it
4.  You get out your phone to use EZ Tip Calculator...because you're on a budget and 18% is more than plenty.
5.  You invite your friends parents to come "out" with you...because you actually enjoy the conversation and company.
6.  After two drinks you have already said too much and are whipping out the cell phone to show people pictures of your children.
7.  Everyone asks you how married life is...and you've been married so long you don't even remember being single.
8.  You are yawning at 10:00...and apparently "the night has just begun"
9.  You close out your bar tab and the total is $8.00
10. Somebody says "Man I miss the old Krissy" and ALL your friends chime in with "me too"...

Needless to say I don't need to spend $8.00 to feel like a loser...staying up "late" to watch Iron Chef America pretty much confirms it for me already. 




    

Valentines Schmalentines

All day Monday I read status updates on how great every one's significant other was; whether is was because they got roses, candy, or something cliche in general.  It wasn't the roses that bothered me, it was the need to share it all on Facebook that did.  Every status tried to one up the other:
Niave Nancy: My boyfriend got me roses, he is sooooo great!
Pittiful Patsy: My boyfriend got me a dozen roses and my favorite candy, he's the best!
Denial Denise: My fiance got me a dozen roses, a box of chocolates, and wrote me a poem...He is so wonderful.
::Gag me with chocolate covered nougat::
The only common theme (besides the overpriced greenery) were the words 'boyfriend', 'fiance', or "Our first Valentine's Day as a married couple". These poor girls...little do they know that the romance dies along with free time, sex, and happiness (just kidding about the happiness).
But before you write me off as cynical or jealous, please know that I in fact did get a lovely vase of beautiful flowers along with a cute card from Tad and the girls...I just felt no need to share, take pictures, or give the impression that Tad is Fabio in disguise.
I will say that we had a very 'romantic' tea candle lit dinner at the local (and almost completely vacant) Chinese restaurant while MW slept and Libby jumped up and down in the booth.  It kind of reminded me of the ending of "A Christmas Story"....Happy Vawrentine's Day!